Can't / Won't Forget

As I type new words onto this blank screen, it reminds me of when I first fell in love with a stranger. At the time he was this "NEW" and "HEALING" force in my life, but now he's this ... negative in my heart, and I can't even develop our picture because he doesn't want to bring our memories back to life. So he's locked inside my chest, or in the pit of my stomach, or in the back of my mind, but wherever I hid this bright and colorful soul mate, he's still in my system. Although I finally decided to cry today.

How many people are divorced today, single, or just heart broken? I'm not saying nothing new. Even happily married couples have been wounded from past lovers. I guess it's just a real, natural part of growth and development - to experience conflict in a relationship, and sometimes even having to...Let go.

Why should my story be any different from yours? Though they're different paths we've walked, we've still ended up at the same destination: Heartbreak city. Chuckling now, I remember all the times I told myself that I was OVER IT. "I'm moving on", I'd say. But my closest friends and relatives knew me better than that.

I realized something today.

It's healthier to admit that I'm still in love with someone and to cry about it, then to hold it all in. Do you know how much toxic junk I've kept stored in my back and shoulders? When I cried earlier, I truly felt lighter - in a matter of minutes!

A load was lifted off my shoulders, and my chest slightly opened up. I breathed easier, and my mind was a little clearer. So what if he doesn't love me back? I know what I'm worth - even he does. But you just can't force someone to love you. Hasn't anyone wonderful ever loved you, but you just weren't feeling the same way? Well, it's like that. I was that wonderful person who would've been there no matter what obstacles presented themselves, but he chose not to accept my affection. It just wasn't what he wanted in his life at the time.

So just like the process of love is a natural thing, so is getting over someone. I can't speed it up just to portray myself as this strong woman who can do better all by myself. Who am I kidding? If I'm feeling sad, then I'm sad. (So long as I'm not depressed for long periods at a time) But I shouldn't feel guilty for missing someone, or think that it's a weak trait.

There's nothing weak about being human.

It takes more courage to live in your truth. And giving real love doesn't mean expecting it in return. Of course in a healthy relationship, the "giving and receiving" flows through the couple equally. But if the relationship came to an end, it's okay to still love that person, even if they don't love you back. Because love is love, and it's not about you. Love in its truest sense is to joyously give.

It actually feels better to love this man from a distance, then to try and forget him when I know too many things remind me of him. So I've decided to honor my feelings. Why should I feel like there's a specific time to get over someone? Like a week, a month, a year, or two years? It's different for everyone.

I do date other people, but I'm not rushing to fall in love again. I've tried that method too. But replacing someone - you can never do. Even twins have differences; people are all unique. I have to give myself the freedom and the space to get over someone on my own time, and to not worry about what other great guy I might be missing out on because time's running out. Like I said, it's not about me. I don't want to marry just for convenience, or because I'm reaching a certain age where society thinks it's normal to have a significant other. Relationships and marriage should be AUTHENTIC. And I want a real love in my life, not just anyone who will do.

For now, I'm still in love with my ex. And until I feel divinely guided to connect with a new person, I'm going to stay still and enjoy being with myself, with friends and with family. A good time doesn't always have to involve a man. I believe that God brings people into your life at the right time to serve a purpose. And right now, maybe God wants me to reminisce on the lessons from that experience because I'm lucky enough to have had something most people never find. I did have a special connection. And like they say, it's better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all.